Totally Bleached
by tamiz
Summary: Team Total Catastrophe is in the material world for the record, and they're gonna do what ever it takes to drive Ichigo clinically insane. collection of scenes. crackXD
1. pokemon WAS a fad

Totally Bleached

_Author's notes: _so, to compensate for my missing "Shinigami Collection", I'm writing this story to satisfy my Bleach hunger. To make this clear for the first chapter, this story will have no plot. The chapters are just random scenes I'd like to picture the crew doing over in the material world. Booya!

_Disclaimer_: No, I don't own them. Bleach isn't mine. _Gosh_.

* * *

"-and that's why we're here."

"Huh."

"At your school."

"Huh."

"In your house."

"Huh."

"In your room."

"Huh."

"In your hair."

"Hu- eh?" Ichigo stuttered, giving Renji a look.

Renji waved his hand in Ichigo's face and dismissed him. "Never mind," he said. "Anyway, that's why we're in the material world."

"Huh."

That's how it all really started, actually. Soul Society thought he was too wimpy to take care of a few of Aizen's bootlickers, so they decided, probably on the spur of the moment, too, to send the material world some of their _finest_…shinigami (and by finest, Ichigo thought, some of the shinigamis Seireitei was just dying to get rid of).

Ichigo didn't want to wonder how he fit Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Matsumoto, Hitsugaya, and Rukia all into his tiny bedroom.

…he also didn't want to wonder why he was serving them all milk and cookies. Why not some tea and biscuits? Or some apple pie to go with? Kami must hate him if he is to service Seireitei's death gods. "Drink your damn milk already, Toushirou, it's good for a kid like you."

"Urusai. And it's Hitsugaya-taichou to you, baka." The white haired captain groused from his reading material. He was sprawled on the carpet, totally engrossed in a guide booklet.

"Ha, that's all the eleventh!" Ikkaku roared triumphantly, pointing at an enraged Renji. "You prissy rokubantai lackey can kiss my ass!"

Renji scowled at the game controller. "What the fuck, Ikkaku, my Pikachu was poisoned! That ain't fair! Yer Beedrill was supposed to die second round!!"

Ikkaku was too busy gloating over his victory to listen to whatever Renji was saying. "Yer just mad 'cause I beat you up on the stadium! Ya wuss!"

"Now, now, no fighting amongst combatants. We are all on an equal level when battling with the imaginary animal species." Yumichika interjected matter-of-factly before things got too ugly.

Ikkaku huffed with a smirk. Just for the fun of it, he added under his breath, "That's how the eleventh opens a can of whoopass."

"The hell, Ikkaku!" Renji shouted.

"Yumichika, you have to admit, that Satoshi is a cutie though, hmm?" Matsumoto inputted from the sidelines. When Yumichika nodded and giggled, the two wondered off to the farthest corner of Ichigo's room to continue their fangirling.

"Guys. Really, it's just Pokemon. That's stuff's old school now." Ichigo deadpanned after setting the tray of cookies down for Rukia to savage… which she did with a hungry passion.

"These are heaven!" Rukia said over a mouthful. "Just as wonderful as the packaged juice boxes!"

"…yeah." Ichigo said. His attention was then diverted to the two idiots fighting over the game controller.

"I'm player one! I always win, so that means I'm always player one!" Ikkaku said as he continued to viciously pull on the cord of the controller.

"It's my turn, ya hog! Why're you always player one?!" Renji growled whilst trying to get a better grip on the joystick.

"Stop this nonsense immediately. I have memorized the game booklet, so give me the controller." Hitsugaya demanded as he got off the floor and straightened himself with a look of expectant anticipation. He held out his hand with growing eagerness.

"Taichou, help me get this outta Ikkaku's hand an' I promise to let you play after I beat the shit outta him." Renji offered without a look at the small captain.

"Fuck that idea!" Ikkaku growled. The two continued to battle on for control of the joystick.

Hitsugaya looked mildly offended by being totally ignored. "You leave me with no choice then. I _order_ you to give me the controller."

"Wait your turn, taichou," Matsumoto sighed from the corner with Yumichika.

"I will not _wait_ for my turn, Matsumoto," Hitsugaya retorted over his shoulder, his hand still out stretched for the controller. "_Children_ wait, and I am not a child, but juubantai taichou of Gotei 13."

Matsumoto sighed again. "Of course you are, taichou…" she turned around to continue talking and giggling with Yumichika.

Ichigo cursed under his breath when he had to pick up the crumbles Rukia was leaving everywhere from her cookies. He grumbled loudly when the two battling duo crashed into his closet and left a dent where they landed. Ichigo had nearly wanted to rip out his own hair when Hitsugaya had had enough of being ignored and decided to unleash Hyourinmaru in the small restrictions of his _very_ modest bedroom.

"Why are you all hereee!???!" Ichigo wailed, dropping his hand where he had collected scattered cookie crumbs. The shinigami took a moment to stare at the falling scraps of biscuits as Ichigo started his fit.

"You all have a place to say and hang out, why are you all here in my tiny room?!" Ichigo growled when Ikkaku and the rest of them shrugged. Ichigo pulled on his hair in frustration.

"Ikkaku, Yumichika, aren't you guys staying at Keigo's or something?" He asked. Ikkaku was going to answer him but he cut him off. "Matsumoto, Toushirou-"

"_Hitsugaya-taichou_," the small captain growled, pointing Hyourinmaru (still in its initial state) in the orange haired shinigami's direction.

"What_ever_," Ichigo exclaimed with annoyance. "Aren't you staying at Inoue's?"

"Well, yes, but-" Matsumoto started.

"Ah, don't say anything!" Ichigo started to pace angrily. "Renji, your staying at Urahara-san's and Rukia stays in my closet." Ichigo closed his eyes as his left eye started to form a tick.

"Sooo…?" Renji asked.

Ichigo set his jaw. "If you guys have a place to stay, why are you all here? Seriously, you give me a headache…"

Ikkaku snatched the controller out of a brooding Renji's grip. "We're here for the Pokemon, duh. Hitsugaya-taichou, I'll take you on. Renji fucking sucks at this game."

"What the hell! I wanna play!" Renji whined but sat down on Ichigo's bed to brood to himself quietly when Hitsugaya aimed Hyourinmaru his way. "Fine, but I ain't gonna be happy," he mumbled with a frown.

"No one gives a flying fuck, Renji," Ikkaku said whilst having his ass served to him by the midget captain. "Oi! Ya gone an' froze Beedrill!"

Hitsugaya was calmly executing his finishing attack on the practically dead Beedrill as he answered, "Articuno is of the ice variety. Grass types are no match." There went Beedrill. "Have you not read the instructions manual?" Hitsugaya asked tauntingly.

Ichigo, meanwhile, took to his bed where Renji sat contemplating. Both had identical frowns to match and a furrowed brow as Ichigo decided to plop down.

"This sucks," Ichigo and Renji growled at the same time.

"…next time, we're going to Inoue's."

* * *

_Terms: _

Shinigami: death god.

Seireitei: court of pure souls; where the nobility and shinigami of Soul Society live.

Kami: god.

Urusai: shut up.

Baka: idiot, moron, ect.

Taichou: captain.

Rokubantai: sixth division.

Juubantai: tenth division.

Gotei 13: the organization which most shinigami join. It is split into thirteen divisions (hence the name).

_Author's notes_: first of all, Pokemon doesn't belong to me. I'm not sure who it belongs to… (hey, is it Nintendo or Satoshi Tajiri?) ya, this was all pretty random. Be prepared for more, guys :)


	2. mall hopping

Author's notes: thanks to those who took the time to review! Here's installment number two for you to enjoy! XD I get such huge kicks outta writing these. I have no idea why, I just loved writing this.

Disclaimer: come on. If I owned Bleach, I wouldn't be writing here. I'd be too busy screwing up the anime and manga to post any stories!

* * *

"Taichouuu? Do you think this looks good on meee?" Matsumoto struck a pose in front of the mirror glued to the wall opposite of her. She turned around to inspect her backside with curiosity. "Do you think this makes my butt look big?" she asked while poking at her bubble-like rear. Hip hugging jeans clung to Matsumoto's legs like a second skin as her yellow halter top practically ripped with the stress of supporting the weight of her two friends. 

Hitsugaya bemoaned the loss of his mental purity when he noticed his eyes start to roam. With a blush staining his cheeks, he covered his eyes with his left hand daintily. "I'd like to leave you this instant, Matsumoto, and return with Inoue Orihime to help you criticize your questionable wardrobe." He grumbled impatiently, his other hand tapping on the bench he was sitting on with distaste.

"Aww, Hitsugaya-taichou! Ichi-chan gave us spending money! So I'm going to do just that! Spend!" Matsumoto patted her captain on the head like how one would with a dog.

Growled angrily now, Hitsugaya swatted the hand away. "Not 'spending' money. The more appropriate term is 'emergency' money and I, for one, think that using that money to buy yourself another closet full of clothing is incongruous (1)."

Matsumoto halted in her adjustments of her XXL halter. "I beg your pardon, taichou? You shouldn't use such big words, it gives me headaches…" she demonstrated by swaying slightly on the spot and pretending to collapse on the bench beside him. "Taichou, ya gotta loosen up, okay? This is supposed to be fun!" Matsumoto leaned into the young captain with a smile. She didn't know how very seductive that smile could turn into.

Hitsugaya sighed loudly. "I order you to redress into the clothing Inoue had lent you this instant. I would like to stay chaste for the woman I wish to marry in the future…" Hitsugaya turned away from his lieutenant whilst closing his eyes tightly. Staying chaste was hard with a shinigami like Matsumoto Rangiku roaming about. During times like these, Hitsugaya wished for a more shyer fukutaichou…

Luckily, the young captain was saved…by an unlikely hero… "Oi, Toushirou, Rangiku-sa- WHOA! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, PLEASE, RANGIKU-SAN!" Ichigo tried his hardest to cover his virgin eyes from the site that had greeted him. In his booby induced hazy, Ichigo vaguely heard the captain of the tenth division scold his lieutenant for scaring the crap out of their tour guide.

…Ichigo just knew taking Team Loser to the mall was a bad idea. Well, they had wondered where all the mortal adolescents 'chilled' after classes and homework. Plus, they were all annoying as hell when they wanted something bad. Ichigo thinks he needs to build a harder shell because it had only taken them three days to get him to crack.

Getting himself together, Ichigo regained their attention. "Okay, since Ikkaku and Renji got kicked outta the video games store for roughing it around a few game geeks, its time to bolt. You wouldn't mind trying to find Yumichika and Rukia, would you? The midget probably went straight to the food court if anything, but I don't know where Yumichika might be…"

"I hadn't thought it wise to let Seireitei's shinigami loose in the 'hang out' of you mortals. What the hell where you thinking, Kurosaki?" Hitsugaya berated with a shake of his snowy white head.

"They all _ran away_ without warning. As soon as I told you guys that this was money and you use it to buy stuff, that idiot Renji and moron Ikkaku sped off. Yumichika and Rukia just kinda slinked outta my sight…didn't even notice they had gone until after you two left…"

The two shinigami watched as Ichigo scratched his head in an angry rage, his face ever in a deep frown.

"…yeah. Anyways, we gotta go. So, if you can get the pretty boy and Rukia here, that'd be great. I'm on a tight schedule, the idiots outside're making a hell of a lot of noise." Ichigo grumbled something about the mall's security and bolted.

Matsumoto fidgeted with the tight halter she was wearing. "Taichouuu, I think I need a bigger size…" she whined.

"You are not trying on anymore of these 'aah-mar-ee-can' shirts. I'm sure Inoue Orihime has clothing your size." Hitsugaya sighed deeply whilst shoving his hands into his jeans' pockets in a bored fashion. Matsumoto took the time to redress and the two met with a grumbling Ikkaku and Renji outside the store. Oh yeah, and Ichigo was there, too.

Not two minutes after, the mall's speakers boomed, "_All security report to section D-12, second floor, immediately." _There was some mumbling heard on the speaker, before it calmly called, _"Will Kurosaki Ichigo report to section D-12, second floor, immediately, please. __Ayasegawa Yumichika wishes for your assistance this instant, thank you." _

"Ha! They found Yumichika!" Ichigo yelled triumphantly and started to speed walk in the direction of section D-12. Over his shoulder, he called out, "Wonder why he needs me!" Ichigo disappeared behind a corner he turned.

There was a dead silence for all the shinigamis before, "I don't even wanna know what in the hells Yumi did."

"…I agree, Madarame."

The speaker sounded again, _"All maintenance crew report to the food court immediately for clean up, please. Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Rukia wishes for your assistance this instant, thank you." _

The death gods of Seireitei watched Ichigo come back around the corner he had just past. "What the fuck, Rukia!! What did you do??" Ichigo speed walked in the direction of the food court, which was, unfortunately for him, on the other side of the mall, and farthest away from section D-12 on the second floor.

"……" the shinigamis didn't give a flying rat's ass.

…and all was right with the world, after all.

"Oi! Did Ichigo promise to take us to the 'move-ees' later? I still don't know what the fuck a teevee is." Renji asked out of the blue.

"I think he said he would take us," Matsumoto said. "After he takes us to a 'psychiatric ward', whatever that is," she shrugged.

"…cool." Ikkaku said.

* * *

Author's notes (1): read and review! Cyber cookies to whoever knows what incongruous means! I'm writing only when inspiration hits, and since school is back (why was spring break so short??) that might be limited. See you when I see you! 


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